under construction

I am moving stuff from my personal journal to this blog and am not finished. If you stumble on this by accident, know that it is a work in progress, I have to fill in from March through today.

Jobs

I think I have decided to stay in Seattle and not to take the job on the east coast even if it is offered. All of my friends gave me advice to that effect and it is consistent with what I want to do. Ultimately the decision is mine, I am the one to live with it and I can't be regretting what I decide. It is the first time in my life that I am deciding something solely on what I want to do, no kids, no husband, no trauma, but what do I want to do. Cool huh?

Priorites

Kayaking just hasn't been a priority, I have been skiing and having brunch and fighting with friends. Kayaking empowers me. It pushes me to test my limits, to set my own boundaries, and to face my fears. Whenever I am paddling and working on my roll and pushing myself, I feel stronger, I can face things. That and the support of my friends is helping me heal. Unbeknownst to the people at the club, they are doing for me just what the Team River Runners are doing for the wounded vets that they work with. They are helping me.

Kayak Party at the WAC

Tonight we had a kayaking party at the WAC. I joined the UKC when I moved to Seattle. It is a tremendous resource for students, faculty and staff of the UW. The dues are low and as a member, I can use the equipment for free. But what it has done for me is so much more than that. And that has to do with the members themselves, not the resources the club provides. I have worked with thousands of young adults in my career teaching high school and higher education. The men and women of the UKC are some of the finest individuals I have ever had the privilege of knowing. I have learned something about myself from each and every one of them. Their friendship is a gift that I will treasure long after they have graduated and moved on. These people, unknowingly, have had a profound impact on my love of the sport of kayaking. I was reflecting tonight on them and what they have taught me so far. Some of them were are the party others weren't and there are many many more that I have to get to know better.

Jeff – When I first met Jeff, I was so intimidated. Not only was he the best kayaker I had ever seen, he was SO intense. He was scary. What I have come to realize is that it is his passion for the sport and love for being on the water and introducing others to the sport that he loves that fuels his intensity. How I perceive Jeff has changed dramatically over the year that I have known him. He is funny, supportive, and just an all around nice person. What I have learned from Jeff is that first opinions aren’t accurate. I have learned that when I meet people I need to step back, observe and wait quietly and give people time to show who they really are. Jeff is the type of person who has the guts to put themselves out there. Jeff is real and authentic and if you want to know something about kayaking, just ask.

Conor – A natural leader, Conor is someone who steps up and gets input and ideas from everyone while having the strength to make final decisions for the good of the club. The club has thrived under his leadership. Conor has taught me about quiet leadership. He has accepted everyone into the club and valued the ideas and opinions of people with diverse perspectives.

Shevy –No one can be sad around Shevy. She has a positive outlook on life that cannot be defeated. She is enthusiastic and encouraging and when I get too serious, she makes me remember why I love this sport. She is an inspiration to women boaters and to me personally.

Ethan – Our club frat boy (every club needs one), Ethan gives us a perception that defines the true essence of diversity which is respecting other people’s perspectives regardless of how different they are from your own. Whenever I talk with Ethan, he always gives me a new take on the way I am seeing a situation. This allows me to grow as a person and accept different ideas.

Lynn – When I watch Lynn practice at the pool on Sundays, the word that best describes her is tenacity. She has more discipline and drive for perfection than any person I have ever met in my life. She is an inspiration to everyone at the club. She has shown me that there are people in the world that will work hard to achieve everything they want in life and that I can also.

Ellen – Ellen has the greatest laugh I have ever heard. She laughs with all her being and no one can hear it and not smile. Her laughter alone is a gift, but she is also a great person. Determined, happy, and supportive. Ellen is a true friend and genuine human being. She demonstrates true caring toward people and reminds me of the kind of person I would like to be.

Mike – The club curmudgeon (every club needs one), Mike is really just a big softie at heart. Mike challenges me. At first I thought he was being critical, but then I realized that he gives me advice because he thinks I have potential. If he stops giving me advice, I will know that he has given up on me. I am a better paddler because of Mike.

Soyoung – A woman at the crest of coming into her own, Soyoung reminds me of how hard it is to be a woman in a man’s field (computer science). Regardless of the expectations of others, she has the courage to be true to herself, to put herself out there even at the risk of rejection. She dares to be open and honest and has the most incredible sense of adventure. She has taught me how to take risks and how to have fun.

Matt – Matt has the kindest spirit of any human being I have ever met. He is also one of the most intelligent people I know and I know a LOT of really intelligent people. I truly believe that we will all one day be saying "we used to kayak with him" when he is world famous. Matt will make a difference in the world someday. I am thankful that my life intersected with him because he has definitely changed my life. He pushes me to challenge myself and is there to pick me up when I fall down, and then pushes me to get back out there again. I wouldn't be writing this blog without his influence nor working on my issues. I would still be avoiding rather than being a GAW and facing my life head on. I am a better woman, a better friend, and a better human being because of my friendship with Matt.

I have a GREAT life. I am becoming a really positive person who can see the good in most situations and I am becoming this person as a direct result of the influence of these incredible young people. It is a pleasure to be counted in their friends.

Pool Session

Success and failure. I rolled the red jackson that I had been storing for Ethan. Once. Then the rest of the time, I couldn't do jack. I didn't ask Ethan if I could use the red boat, but he won't mind, that is our deal, storage for boat use. He will be pleased that I rolled it.

I also panicked today and just about lost it and had to swim in the pool. Kennet talked me down off the ledge and then had me practice with these hand paddles. Even though I wasn't successful, it did make me stay under the water longer and depend on him for rescuing me so I wasn't just pulling the skirt. Although I was REALLY discouraged about the roll, I felt a little better about my fear. Kennet cracked me up with his wisdom about women and kayaking. then when Lynn missed a roll, he asked her what she was feeling when she decided to swim. Come to find out he has a degree in psychology. He made me realize how much of kayaking is mental. I think we need to make him our resident kayaking therapist. Every club needs one.

I definately felt better and am determined to work harder. He didn't make me feel deficient or incompetent. He made me want to keep trying. I AM going to keep trying to roll that red boat. Thanks Kennet!

Jobs

Interviewed on the east coast. The job is the perfect job. The problem is that I love it here. I love my friends, I love skiing, biking and especially kayaking. Yes, I can do those anywhere. But do I have the emotional capacity to handle another cross country move and then start all over again? What was I thinking to even apply? Well, I can answer that, it is a COOL job. And it is absolute honor to have been interviewed. But I have to consider the balance that I have established between personal and professional life. I can't lose that again. Life can't be all about work.

There are kayaking dreams and goals to fulfil. So what are my goals this year? I would like to get my offside roll. It took me so freaking long to get ANY roll, I am worried that Ethan is right and that if I try to work on my offside that I will lose my onside. But if I try to get my offside and keep failing, won't that make me better at my onside because of the practice of coming up?

I would also like to have the courage to kayak the Wenatchee again. I felt bad last year when I wouldn't go the second day. It just raised too many issues for me. But I have to face the fear, running from it doesn't work and it sucks and it isn't any fun.

Silence

Silence is what perpetuates PTSD. The more you can force yourself to talk about it, the less hold it has on you. We just need to break the silence and the shame.

So why is this blog named what it is? Because life is like kayaking. Too many people stand on the banks watching the fun happen. But the fun happens in the moving water. Yes it is scary, you have to balance, you don't know when there will be an unseen obstacle, wave, or hole that you hadn't seen before...one that can flip you over.

There are a few important things that kayakers need to know or have in their arsenal, if you reflect on it, there are parallels here to life:
1. Know your limits - the kayaker that walks around a rapid when he doesn't feel right about it, lives to kayak another day.
2. A good brace - if you can keep from flipping over, well, you won't need rescuing. It is part of balancing. When you feel yourself going over, BRACE.
3. A good self-rescue - it is always safer if you can stay in the boat. There is nothing that beats a good roll for saving your life. Remember, stay in the boat whenever possible. Be confident of your own skills.
4. Good safety boaters - for the inevitable times in life that you have to swim, there is nothing that is as important as the friends you have with you that are going to pull your ass out of the water so that you can get back in your boat and get back where the water is moving, between the banks.
5. Sometimes, you have to drink from your booties. Accept it with grace and good humor.

Remember the fun starts when you are in the moving water.

Pool Session

Well one way to get back in the pool is to be the session leader. I really love being in the water. I love the sport and the culture of kayaking, both sea and whitewater. The thing I like most about kayakers is that they look out for each other, they help you out, they won't abandon you. When I think about my future now that I am divorced and what I would like to be doing 10 years from now, I know that it includes kayaking. My ideal life would be to quit my job, get a job teaching high school math in some small town like Wenatchee or Leavenworth and buy a big house or at least one with lots of yard for camping. I would love to open my home as a hostel/camp for kayakers. It would allow me to do 3 of my favorite things: teach high school math, cook for lots of people (something I sorely miss since my divorce, I love to cook) and be around the culture of kayaking. I would even run shuttle. That would be the ideal life.

When I am in a boat, on the water, everything is okay.

Brunch with Matt

After brunch with Matt, I again blew off the pool session, but at least I kept my word and came to brunch, that is a start. Next week, it is time to get back to the kayaking goals. But first, the story...

I grew up in a small town in Maine, where everyone knew each other and you didn't lock your doors. At 10 years old, I lost my innocence to a violent personal assault, that is how I think of it. It sounds so much nicer than the ugliness of the word RAPE. My attacker was known to me, a neighborhood teenager. I will spare the details in this blog. Afterward, I walked home and remember the fall leaves rustling across the leaves. I used to love the fall when I was young, it is the season of my birthday. To this day, the sound of rustling leaves makes my skin crawl. I went home and took a shower, but nothing could was the smell and the blood and the bruises from my body. It is ingrained on my brain forever.

The next day, he told everyone. I found out that words like "loose" and "easy" had different connotations. My parents never asked me what happened, they just wanted to keep quiet and let it all blow over. I never tried to explain or defend myself to them or anyone else, I let them think what they wanted. I was condemned but in reality, the bigger issue was that I condemned myself. I hadn't fought back. I had just cried and begged him to stop, but I didn't run away or fight. One by one, my friends rejected me. No one asked me to explain. Two suicide attempts later...I was a social pariah. Emotionally, I shut down, no anger, no joy, nothing. I was dead.

My one refuge was the water. My family had a summer home on a lake. When I paddled around that lake, I was whole again.

It Begins...

I have always enjoyed reading Paddler Magazine which I get with my membership in the American Canoe Association. When the Nov/Dec 2008 mag came, I opened it and when I got to the article on the work of Team River Runners and their work with veterans, I was overwhelmed and frozen with fear. Would the men and women I paddle with in the University Kayak Club, people I have come to respect, recognize my symptoms in the stories of the soldiers in that article? You see, I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. In some ways, it would be easier to say I have cancer, at least then, people empathize with you. But to admit you have a mental health disorder, even though it isn't your fault, you are viewed as being subpar and held at arms length. Our culture and society view mental health differently from physical health.

I recently went back and reread the stories of the soldiers, and I was struck by one of the most insidious symtoms of PTSD, avoidence. When PTSD sufferers are stressed we avoid activities which normally bring us relief and pleasure. Yeah, it seems counterproductive. What I realized is that I have avoided the pool sessions since my divorce in November. I have felt like such a failure, my marriage has failed and I am having difficulty coping so I have shut down.

It is time to face the fear...head on.